Have I mentioned what an incredible daughter I have been given? I wish I had the capacity to explain my love for her, but the words can’t be unlocked from my heart and only the Lord Jesus knows how to pronounce them.
I can try and at least give you a tiny glimpse, though.
I carry around with me what I can only describe as “firsts mourning”. Because I was under anesthesia when she was born, and because it was so sudden and she was in the NICU for a month, I literally missed nearly all of her firsts.
first time she opened her eyes
first time she was dressed in clothing
her umbilical cord falling off
There are more, but I think you get the idea.
To this day, even 16 months later, I still can’t listen to a woman talk about her birth without feeling an incredible sadness and twinge of jealousy. In my head I am truly happy for her, but my heart burns with the pain of never fully understanding what water breaking or contractions feel like. When people ask me why Nola came early, most people don’t understand that I did not go into labor. I went to sleep and woke up unpregnant with no baby in sight. Fortunately, thanks to modern medicine we both made it. And eventually, I did get to meet her. 30 hours after she was born.
I wanted an intervention free birth. So badly. I spent 32 weeks being pregnant lying in bed at night imagining how when I went into labor I would push through the pains the way my body was supposed to and in a rush feel myself let out a warrior’s cry I squeezed my baby out the way God, my God intended.
I wanted to hold my wet and freshly wrinkled baby on my naked chest, sob uncontrollably and count her fingers and toes with my husband while we marveled at our tiny miracle through overwhelmed tears.
But you don’t always get what your heart desires.
Sometimes you just have to take what God gives you. That’s the part of faith and God’s grace no one likes to talk about.
Tonight, nursing Nola to sleep, I started sobbing at all the firsts I didn’t have with her. I apologized to her that she had to come early and just hugged her tight.
She raised herself onto her knees in my lap, smiled at me through the dark, took my face in her hands face and kissed me on the lips.
I may have missed some firsts, but we have many more to make.
Y’all I’m a terrible blogger!
If humbledrumble was a tamagotchi, it would have most certainly died.
A lot has been going on since May! I’ll begin, though, with my diet and my forced change that is going on.
I was diagnosed with lupus. Now, let me preface this by saying that it was not a surprise. In fact, I have been saying that I thought that it what was slowing me down for years. For 7 or 8 now years I have felt progressively worse. Each year I look back at the year before and it never looks better than it did previously. I am always a few pounds heavier, a little less agile and much much more tired. I’ve heard from so many people that I need to get out more. Exercise. Stop complaining so much. I get it, I’m cranky. But honestly I’ve felt like shit (sorry, I have) for a long time. I don’t want to be tired, heavy and cranky. I swear. I constantly apologize to my husband and tell him I wish I knew how to not feel so totally awful and that if I did know how to fix me, I wouldn’t continue to stay miserable.
So here we are now. Lupus.
I developed hypertension and then pre-eclampsia which lead to Class 1 HELLP syndrome with my pregnancy and Nola came two months early. I had a rough go at being pregnant, and despite that, I still felt better than I usually did. My OB let me know that I most definitely had SOMETHING autoimmune happening in me, but we’d have to dig deeper to find out what that was. I knew I had mysteriously low platelets when I got pregnant(due to a dead end stint with an oncologist that started this whole mystery mess that has left such a huge hanging question mark over everything), and I pressed my OB to let her know that we would be doing all we could to figure out what the heck was going on with me. Despite high blood pressure and low platelets(and a low baby) I felt more alive than I had in a long time. (apparently your immune system is suppressed during pregnancy, so it makes sense.)
So it all makes sense. Sort of. I’ve got a few things going on. There is the Lupus and all its symptoms (exhaustion, brain fog, joint and muscle pain, stiffness and swelling, eye floaters, chest pain, headaches, hair loss, high blood pressure, a particularly brutal bout with pleurisy… fortunately I have never developed the butterfly shaped rash) and then there is the other element to all this called Antiphospholipid Syndrome (Lupus anticoagulant)- meaning I am prone to blood clots, but because I have low platelets, it has kept me from experiencing a blood clot and in essence, kept me from having a stroke. Turns out, my mothers aunt had lupus as well. ah, genetics!
So I’m feeling positive. While on one hand it does suck to know that I’m actually kind of sick and not just really tired all the time, at least I don’t feel like I have to try and guess what it is that is plaguing me any longer. I’m ready for a change and I know that the first and most important thing I need to do is change my diet and try and move my body more. Its a tricky balance because I have always loved to work out hard. The problem is I can’t work out hard anymore. I can only do it about once a month and afterward I feel so miserable and riddled with pain that I give up and swear off working out forever. Its a brutal cycle.
So what does the future for me look like? Hungry, probably. A LOT of the success of lupus going into remission lies within your diet.
a few things I am going to really try my best to do are:
-less (and eventually no) caffeine(we’ll see)
-no added sugar
-no red meat
-no fried food
-no artificial sugar
-no/limited processed foods
-more oily fish
This to me seems daunting. Just looking at the list I can tell I would feel better, but I love food.
I know there are more things on the list that help people and I will tweak things as I go.. but for now please keep me in your prayers and I will try my best to keep you updated!
Happiest day to all the mommas out there!
Last night I whipped up a lil paper bag waist skirt for Nola from a remnant of fabric I had. I wish it was a touch bigger, but that’s what you get when you’re working with what’s on hand!
I’ll do a DIY for you guys and recreate it now that I know it wont be a disaster..
For now, here is my sweet lady in her new skirt!
The last week I haven’t cooked anything worth blogging about. I also haven’t eaten anything worth mentioning. Actually that’s not true. Last Friday we had some sweet friends over and I made a pretty delicious curry, but by the time I thought to take a photo the pot was scraped clean. I’ll post the recipe soon, though.
I don’t have many things to talk about. I’m exhausted and little lady is teething so I’m calling it a night early. So I leave you with the week in pictures!
It’s so hard to name posts, so I probably won’t name most of them.
My sweet mom came over and I gave her a haircut and we took Nola on her first trip to Sams club. ( I know- so exciting!) She woke up very confused halfway through the store!
So, today I didnt cook lunch. I did make a very simple and delicious sandwich though.
I grew up eating bagels and lox. I don’t know if there is anything I love more. this is my attempt at a little healthier version.
Smoked salmon with goat cheese, coarse ground mustard and spring mix on a whole grain ciabatta roll.
Ok friends! I have a confession: I don’t have any baby weight to lose. I only gained 13 pounds when I was pregnant with Nola, and after the swelling subsided I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight.
I’m not off the hook though.
My problem is wedding weight. More specifically, dating weight.
I have never been a person to be motivated to diet–at all. So while planning my wedding, weight loss was the farthest from my mind. I figured Lou loved me the weight I was enough to marry him, so why freak out to get thin and balloon to even heavier six weeks later? AmIright?
So I still subscribe to this feeling, but hindsight is 20/20 and in the 6 years my husband and I dated I gained a lot of weight. Way. Too. Much. At least 10 pounds a year!(x6… Yup)
The past year has been quite eventful. I got married, pregnant, turned 30, delivered a 2 month premature baby, spent a month in the hospital NICU with Nola, she came home and I became a full time mom and most recently returned to work(very very part time)
So now life is a little bit more stable… And it’s time to shift focus.
I look forward to sharing recipes, crafts and stories with you!
Adjusting to our constantly changing life as a new family has meant lots of convenient eating. Actually what I should say is all we eat is rice and pasta. We cook it lots of ways, but lots of white food. I’m dedicating myself to break out of the mindset that the only easy food is boiled carbohydrates.
(I should also confess that I used to be a cook at a health food store for several years. I know- I have no excuse)
So for lunch today, I made a really fast, easy(healthy) stir fry. You can use whatever veggies/meat you have in your kitchen.
Quick Stir Fry
Firm or extra firm tofu(or whatever meat you want)
Vegetables (I used zucchini, sweet peppers, broccoli, red onion and garlic cloves)
Bragg liquid aminos
Red pepper flakes
Non stick cooking spray
1 tsp olive oil
Cut your tofu into small cubes(see photo) and using a kitchen towel gently press out any excess water.
Coat a skillet on medium to high heat(depending on how hot your stove gets) with nonstick cooking spray. Drop in your tofu and let it brown to a pretty honey/golden brown 2-5 minutes (it really depends on your stove) cook both sides.
The edges won’t be browned, but I promise it’s ok.
Set tofu aside in a bowl.
Next chop veggies however you’d like and cook them with a Bragg liquid aminos, lime juice, (about 2 tablespoons each) red pepper flakes and a teaspoon of olive oil. You want them tender but still crisp. No mush!
When they are done add as much sriracha as you’d like and add the tofu back to the pan.
Toss it together and eat it without feeling any guilt.